Invade Canada!

This was my post on the Guardian "Comment is Free" yesterday. Many Canadians seem happy to be mentioned in any capacity. Others distressed that we may be giving the White House ideas. And some Americans still seem to think that irony was what they used to make in Pittsburgh.

Feel free to join in there!

The heat is on

For Americans, there's one obvious solution to the problems caused by global warming: invade Canada.
Ian Williams


January 31, 2007

The heat is on President Bush over global warming; we can expect a Road to Damascus conversion soon. Who says this guy is not responsive to the popular mood?

But based on his track record, we can expect the form of his conversion to be distinct and innovative. He acknowledged electoral discontent over his failure in Iraq by sending in 24,000 more troops and limbering up for a war in Iran. In short, when in a muddy hole, keep digging until you find the exit.

So we can expect the president to give some verbal recognition of global warming, and to accompany it with some forthright domestic measures - like a temporary twenty-five year tariff on hybrid cars to allow Detroit's SUV's to catch up on fuel efficiency, and a reduction of taxes on gasoline to limit the effects of climbing oil prices on motor-voters.

But there are steps that the US must take internationally as well. Increasing temperatures and rising sea levels may make many parts of the United States uninhabitable. I mean, who would buy Florida real estate on a long lease? New Orleans is already written off, and the rest of the Gulf area can't be far behind.

About the only part of US business that is competitive internationally is corn and grain production, and rising temperatures may soon lay waste those fields of waving corn. Clearly strong measures are called for. Once again, Manifest Destiny beckons.

The United States has put a lot of energy into bringing about global warming, and the main beneficiaries of our hard work are a bunch of ungrateful foreigners. Canada's grain-growing capacity is going to expand as America's shrinks. Canada's northern territories are emerging from the ice and will soon be fertile meadows - all as a result of patriotic Americans burning gas selflessly, regardless of the cost.

As the Great Plains become dustbowls and the southern states and our coastlines go under water, Americans will be driven to ducking under the wires on the 49th parallel and fleeing north to escape the heat.

Can we tolerate American citizens being turned back by hardhearted Canadian Mounties, or hunted down and deported by Canuck vigilantes? Surely not. Fortunately, the White House is believed to be considering a Nine Step Global Warming Recovery programme:

One: Canadian based forces in 1813 burnt down the White House and the Capitol - a terrorist attack for which payback time is long overdue.

Two: As the strict constructionists in the Supreme Court are well aware, Article XI of the Articles of Confederation provides for the incorporation of Canada into the Union, and just because our last attempt in 1812 was unsuccessful should not put a cap on the business.

Three: Canada is harboring Maher Arar, a Muslim terrorist with documented connections to Syrian torturers, and even paying him compensation, defying the efforts of our Ambassador David Wilkins to set them right.

Four: Canada refused to send troops to Iraq.

Five: Canada is harboring deserters from the US forces, who can't get the same safe haven in the Texas Air National Guard that they used to.

Six: Canada cannot fight terrorism effectively because it has abolished the death penalty.

Seven: Canada has a socialistic health service.

Eight: A Lot of Canadians speak French.

Nine: Canada has lots and lots of oil. And pipelines.

The logic is inescapable. Fellow Americans, there is only one way forward from here: go north!